blog three - active imagination, encounter with an exile

This was written in Winter 2016, when I had a seven-month old baby. I had read a book called The Undervalued Self by Elaine Aron, the psychologist and researcher who developed the concept of HSP, the Highly Sensitive Person, which has been very important to me and my journey into realizing I am highly neurodivergent, probably ADHD, autistic, and with complex PTSD. It is also similar to Richard Schwarz’ Parts discussion, a form of Internal Family Systems therapy. The dialogue below occurred with me writing from the perspective of two parts—one a compassionate, caring adult, much like the Loving Parent we learn to become in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholic & Dysfunctional Families) and the other a young part of me who was found hiding.

What are you doing?

Hiding.

Who are you hiding from?

Mom and Dad. They’re fighting again.

How does that make you feel?

Scared and bad.

What kind of bad?

Hopeless and like they don’t love me. It seems like other kids have happy parents. Or at least they aren’t lied to. Even if they get divorced, and their moms and dads don’t love each other anymore, at least they are being honest about it.

I understand that you’re hurting. Tell me more.

Mom doesn’t let me talk about my feelings. Every time I say the words “I feel” she interrupts me and tells me that we aren’t supposed to be led around by our feelings. It makes me feel so guilty. But it doesn’t change the feelings inside.

It sounds like it hurt you that you were not allowed to talk about your feelings.

Yes, it did hurt. I felt stupid and weak every time. And it didn’t help.

So you felt frustrated because you were shamed for having feelings?

Yes, exactly. The feelings didn’t go away either, it didn’t work to just deny them and so I didn’t know how to feel or how to act. I guess I figured out how to act--don’t talk about feelings and try hard not to have any.

That was wrong. It’s impossible not to have feelings and feelings are good things since they are part of life, I like that you have a lot of feelings. I really like that about you.

You do?

Yes, I do. You are a sensitive person.

I am?

Yes.

*Nods her head* I never knew what to do with the feelings, especially the sad ones, the hopeless ones, the lonely ones, the angry ones, the scared ones, the used ones.

You can tell me about them if you like.

Really? But you don’t want to hear that. Why would you want to be burdened with me?

You are precious to me. I value you. You aren’t a burden to me, you are a gift.

I feel like a burden to my mom and dad.

What makes you feel like a burden?

I can see how unhappy they are. Mom lays on the bed and cries. When I ask her about it, she says nothing is wrong. I know she’s lying. Maybe she lies about other things too. Dad says “damn kids” and gets angry all the time. He’s mean. Mom gets mad when he’s around.

Why does that make you feel like a burden?

Sometimes it seems like they are frustrated with us and sometimes it seems like because I love dad and she doesn’t, she is upset with me for loving him. I feel that I can’t trust her because she says things so differently from how she seems to feel. They aren’t honest about their problems. They make me feel ashamed for my feelings and make us act a certain way. Especially around other people, they pretend things are fine. 

That is scary. It must be terrible for you to feel so confused--seeing one thing, understanding her, especially since you pick up on things so easily, and then being told another thing. It must cause you to mistrust yourself.

I always believe them. I have wanted to get away from them for so long. I couldn’t wait to grow up when I was a little kid because I wanted to be alone so badly.

Why did you want to be alone?

So I didn’t have to feel all the pain of them being angry all the time and when I was alone, I could stop worrying.

What were you worrying about?

I would see so many signs that they were angry and full of hatred. They pretended things were okay but really there was so much upset beneath the surface. They would get mad at us and be mean. They never wanted to play or have fun. They made us work all the time. It started to seem like going to my room or working were the only things that kept fights from happening.

That’s a lot of stress for a little girl. What did you do?

I played pretend or dress up or read books. I guess I went to other places a lot. Fictional worlds and situations where I was an adult.

It sounds like you wanted to have more power. You withdrew to reduce stress and fantasized about being grown up and in control of your stimulation. Is that right?

Yes, that’s definitely right. I felt overstimulated often. School was so hard--there were so many kids and relationships to navigate, loud noises. The lockers banging, the bells screaming, the kids yelling. The noise in the lunchroom felt like a physical assault. Then at home, the anger and upset was overwhelming. The only way I felt relieved and could relax was to be alone. I’d go to my room and lock the door.

It sounds like you were trying to have control and power. Does that mean you felt out of control and powerless?

Yes, I felt like that very often. I was the youngest and the only girl. It felt like everyone else was always controlling me. Telling me what to do, how to think, and how to not have feelings. I think I even started to like reading and journals because it seemed like the only place where I was allowed to have feelings and control was in journals. In reading, I could experience feelings through characters in ways I felt I wasn’t supposed to in real life.

It sounds like school was almost violent for you. You used words like banging, screaming, yelling, and physical assault. How did you feel about school?

Yes, I didn’t notice that before, but that was how I felt about school. It was so chaotic and hard to learn. It was very stressful and embarrassing and every day I couldn’t wait for it to be over so I could be left alone. I didn’t want to be home-schooled though, I wouldn’t have wanted to be such a burden to mom or to be around her so much. She always said things about loving to be home with us and happy to be a stay-at-home mom but I think she just said that because she felt like she was supposed to feel that way and she felt guilty for not feeling that way. I think she actually hated being trapped with us. She would always make jokes about summers and dreading us, and how back to school was so great. She was so negative about child-rearing, only ever talking about how hard it was. She made me feel very afraid of doing that with my life because of what she said and how miserable she seemed. Yet she would say the opposite and it was a lie.